A Shot Of Stress

It occurred to me recently that we're all stressed out. We talk about the stress of our job, the stress of family matters, money, health, etc. We massage our foreheads, let out exasperated sighs and exhale "I'm so f-ing stressed out." We live for the week that we get to go to Michigan every summer, foolishly thinking that this will rid us of all this dreaded stress. We're surprised, when we return, that all the sources of our stress are still resolutely in place, awaiting our arrival.

What do we do next? Well, we plan a bigger vacation, a more exotic vacation. If we can only get a little further out of town, perhaps staying a little longer, THEN things will be different. We'll undoubtedly return to our normal life with our batteries recharged. We're wrong, of course, but we still hold onto the myth like Harold Lloyd dangling from a Los Angeles skyscraper.

Back in the day, when our fathers were young married guys, I doubt that they ever uttered the "S" word. Their friends would've slapped 'em. They didn't bitch about their lives, because most guys were in the same boat. You worked ten hours a day busting your hump at the mill. You struggled to feed your family, hoping there'd be enough money at the end of the month to pay the next month's mortgage.

Guys like my Dad got thru it all by stopping at the corner tavern on their way home for a shot and a beer every night. Sure, they were stressed out, but they never let on. They sucked it up like the real men they were. They had a couple of belts and got on with their lives.

I'm sure it didn't hurt that when Dad got home, Mom had a big potroast waiting for him. The bullshit encountered during a day at the mill must have been a little easier to stomach when it was followed by a tender cut of beef and a pile of mashed potatoes swimming in butter and gravy. Who could be stressed out after a meal like that?

I propose, dear friends, that we rid ourselves of this demon called "Stress." I further propose that we apply ourselves at frequenting our neighborhood bars after work and that we indulge in consuming far more meat and potatoes than we currently do. Let's suck it up, old school, like our fathers did. Our cholesterol will be thru the roof, but we just may find a little f-ing peace in our lives.

Never Enough Time

There never seems to be enough time to get things done these days. No matter how much I get done in one day, I never seem to be able to make a dent in the great "To Do" list.

I was in bed staring at the ceiling one night, when my wife asked, "What's the matter?" I answered that I was trying to make some sort of priority list in my head.

"You need to stop worrying about it," she said. "Make a list tomorrow and then you can choose one or two things to get done every day, checking them off as you go."

In theory, this sounds like a great idea. In reality, the list quickly became six smaller lists of related objectives. Once again overwhelmed, I scrapped the idea altogether.

There's a scene in The Marx Brothers' movie "Go West," where Chico and Harpo are knee-deep in separate holes, digging for gold. Everytime Chico throws a shovel full of dirt out of his hole, Harpo does the same, only he's throwing his dirt in Chico's hole. Chico can't help but notice that he's getting nowhere, no matter how furiously he digs. I used to think this scene was funny, now I fast-forward right through it.

A Brush With Greatness V3.0 (The Smithereens)

I first became aquainted with Pat DiNizio of The Smithereens (one of my all-time favorite power pop bands) when he was offering a service thru his website. For $100, you could send him either lyrics or music, and he'd finish off the song and send it back to you. Inspired by similar offers often seen in the back of comic books back in the day, DiNizio hoped to revive a bit of kitsch and suppliment his income when The Smithereens weren't touring.

I emailed DiNizio my lyrics and waited anxiously for the tune to arrive in the mail. It never did. Due to a sudden surge in touring after the release of "God Save The Smithereens," he was forced to abandon the project for lack of time.

Apologetically, he phoned and explained the situation to me. I understood and absolved him of the commitment to write a song with me. I was extremely disappointed not to have that little credit on my resume', but Dinizio made up for it by sending me a nice assortment of Smithereens' merch. During our conversation, we began talking about The Smithereens' newest release. DiNizio asked me how I thought it stacked up against some of their earlier work and I gave him my unfiltered opinions.

In possession of his home phone number, I called again a few weeks later to ask if I could send him a copy of my band's CD. "Sure," he said, "I'd love to give it a listen." After sending him a copy of the disc, we spoke again and talked about our favorite records and musicians. I was amazed to find him without rockstar ego, willing to chat about everyday things like what our daughters were doing.

I still talk to DiNizio every now and then and, though I wouldn't presume to consider him a close personal friend, we are at the very least friendly aquaintances. I may not have gotten to write a song with him, but there's something to be said for just being able to call the guy up and talk about music.

More on this later....

The Not-So-Family Channel

I recently sent the message below to the powers that be at ABC. I received an instant reply assuring me that my message would be considered, along with the thousands of others they get each day....yeah, right.

"It would be really nice if when watching the ABC Family channel, or family-oriented shows like "Extreme Home Makeover," you didn't show promos for adult-themed shows like "Desperate Housewives." People watch family shows, and the Family Channel, with kids who don't need to see a man crawl out from underneath Eva Longoria's wedding dress to comment that he can't believe she's not wearing underwear. Isn't ABC now part of Disney? How about a little discretion?"

Somebody's asleep at the wheel. If you agree, drop by ABC's website and weigh in.